An Unlikely Complaint

I’m crawling out of my mom-cave to bitch about something.  Because I want to complain and mom blogs are nothing if not self-indulgent.

The issue is this: I fucking hate picture books.

Few things frustrate me more than getting a new book for my kids, sitting down to read and finding that there are NO WORDS in the book.  Books are for words.  Words are for books.  What the fuck kind of lazy ass authors are running around “writing” books without a single damn in word in them?  Or maybe it’s not so much the author’s fault.  Maybe its illustrators with an unwillingness to share the spotlight.  I don’t know what the situation is.  I just know it’s a problem.

How do these books even get published?!

Author: I’d like to publish a book.  

Publisher:  Great!  Send a draft over so I can read it. 

Author: Oh, well you won’t really have to read it. See, there aren’t any words.

Publisher:  No words at all?

Author: No.  Just pictures.  They’re really charming pictures though.

Publisher:  I see.  Is this a coffee table book filled with vibrant photos of the Mediterranean?

Author: No, its…

Publisher: Fuck off.  Come back when you’ve actually written something.

I mean, surely you can see where all my confusion and frustration comes from.  These books shouldn’t exist.

Now I know someone out there is going to chime in with, “Imagination…blah blah…developmental milestones…blah blah…”  No.  NO.  If your kid wants to make up a story, the words in a real book are not going to stop him.  But you know what’s going to keep your kid from reading?  Pages with no words on them.  Which, coincidentally, also keeps me from reading.

You know what else keeps me from reading?  (Bonus Rant!) My kids asking thirty questions per page every time we read a book.  I know, they’re young.  They’re curious.  They’re learning.  They’re also annoying the crap out of me.  You know how irritating it is when someone is talking all through a movie you’re trying to watch? I feel that irritation x 10 when I have to read the same sentence nine times because I keep getting interrupted by questions about the Cat in the Hat’s motivation.  “No, I don’t know why he is standing up there on a ball but that is not all!  Oh no, that is not all!”

I know this says incredibly unflattering things about my maturity level but seriously, I just want to finish a page!  Or even a sentence!  By the time we reach the fifth page of pretty much any book I’m ready to throw myself out the window.  My lovely, long-suffering husband will typically reach out at some point during all this and rub my back in an effort to calm me down.  This is because I’m breastfeeding and still can’t drink bourbon.

I think the takeaway here is this –

DON’T: Read stupid, wordless books.

DO: Pour yourself a drink.

Stuff and Things

In the past week I have:

1. Used my neti pot approximately 7.2 MILLION times.
2. Read a really stupid book.  It was free on Kindle.  You get what you pay for.
3. Read a good book.
4. Used at least four boxes of kleenex.
5. Resolved to plant an entire grove of trees sometime in the near future.  Or at least pay someone to plant them.
6. Checked out Piglet’s BIG Movie from the library.
7. Watched Piglet’s BIG Movie 54 times.
8. Taken out a hit on Piglet.
9. Overheard Max singing the theme song from Piglet’s BIG Movie.
10. Resolved to purchase Piglet’s BIG Movie at any cost as soon as possible.
11. Pretended not to obsess about how I want to decorate the baby’s room if it’s a girl.
12. Done at least 12 loads of laundry.  I even folded it.
13. Put off vacuuming the house.
14. Cooked some pretty random meals; quesadillas and lemon-parmesan roasted broccoli, anyone?
15. Was told by Max, “Um, I’m going to go to my room now.  I need to lay on my bed and think about some things for a while.”
16. Died of cuteness.
17. Found out that “things” is preschooler-speak for “my birthday party”.  He wants cupcakes and 100 red dragons.
18. Was amazed by how busy my littlest baby is.  Bumps and kicks like crazy.  Absofuckinglutely thrilling each and every time.
19. Came across a new favorite word: gefiltefuck.
20. Shook my chubby, pregnant ass to Thrift Shop by Macklemore.
21. Fondly remembered how much hotter my ass-shaking was back when I could drink booze.
22. Pretended not to obsess about our sonogram appointment next week.
23. Bought a cute clutch at Target for $0.50.  Seriously.
24. Spent a lot more than $0.50 on my new favorite eye shadow palette.  You get what you pay for.
25. Bought a daring new lipstick.  It’s called Ballet.  Doesn’t sound intimidating but I had to take about 3 deep, cleansing breaths before I bought it.  It’s awesome.
26. Watched Mason sleep on a mountain of stuffed animals.  Tried to etch the memory of his cute little body into my mind.  One day he’s going to be so big.
27. Ate way more chocolate than normal.  WAY more.  I think all the chocolate is gone now.
28. Drank a few green smoothies.  They were pretty good too.
29. Was irritated that it was sunny and 70 degrees outside in January.  It takes a special talent to pull this off.
30. Made a Chocolate-Whiskey Cake.  Considered drinking the batter.
31. Listened to Max talk about a hundred different things and was floored by how smart he is.  Who taught him all these words?!  When did he get so grown up?
32. Craved Mexican food.
33. Had nachos brought to me from a specific restaurant three days in a row by my wonderful husband.
34. Fell in love with my husband over and over again.  And not just because of the nachos.  Although those didn’t hurt.
35. Wished there were more trees in my yard.  Or town.  Or Texas in general.  Why are there no trees?!  (This has nothing to do with #4)
36. Cried.  Because.
37. Thought some more about keeping my hair long when I’m old and totally grey.  I think I’m going to do it.
38. Kept my nose out of someone else’s business.   It was more difficult than I like to admit.
39. Had a dream involving beautiful beds hanging from trees.  It was gorgeous.  I wish you all could have seen it.  We could have lived there with my long, grey hair and it would have been amazing.
40. Wondered and wondered who on earth is growing inside me right now. I hope we get along really well.
41. Watched my little sister gleefully turn 25 years old.
42. Watched my big sister do everything in her power to avoid even the slightest acknowledgment of her birthday.  But I’m pretty sure that clip I texted to her totally made her day.   Or at least six seconds of it.
43. Had every meal I prepared overseen by a tiny, micromanaging wanna-be chef named Mason.  EVERY.  MEAL.
44. Heard the word “penis” innumerable times.
45. Disposed of a real spider without having a panic attack.
46. Nearly destroyed the master bathroom after spotting a spider in the bathtub.  Turns out that one was fake.  Stupid fake fuckface.
47. Experienced psychological whiplash when my kids took a three-hour nap one day followed by no nap at all the next.  Pretty sure that’s the sole reason Xanex was invented.
48. Cuddled with my beautiful boys and my wonderful husband many, many times.
49. Heard the words, “Hey Mom! You wanna see this fight?!” many, many times.
50. Wondered daily how I got to be so unbelievably lucky in this life.

Let the Blogging Begin!

I have no idea how to start a blog.

You’d think I would.  I mean, there are approximately a zillion blogs already in existence and I’ve read my fair share of them.  I guess it’s just different when you’re the one doing the writing.

You may have noticed my tagline, “only a decade after everyone else…” I think that pretty well sums up my feelings about starting this blog.  I know blogging is old news.  Everyone has a blog.  There are many, many people out there doing this better than I ever will.  I’m ok with that.  For the most part.  Just don’t tell me about all the other amazing bloggers out there, ok?  Because then I’d get all depressed and start bingeing on ice cream.  Specifically Ben & Jerry’s Late Night Snack.  I highly recommend it for all your emotional eating needs.  That or bourbon.  Which is obviously a drink but is also highly recommended.

So, other than sub-par blogging, what should you expect here?  I’m glad you asked!

1. Plenty of “mom talk”.  I am a SAHM with two toddlers.  It’s inevitable.

2. Many, many examples of bad grammar…run on sentences and superfluous commas like a mother fucker up in here.  (If it gets totally out of control, you are certainly welcome to let me know. NICELY.  I’m hacking these posts out during nap times and late at night, so have mercy, please.)

3. Profanity.  Why?  Because I like it and my inner sailor needs a place to be heard.  Also, see #1; I have two toddlers.  I have lots of reasons to want to curse and very little opportunity to do so.  If that’s not your thing, no worries.  But you should totally try it.  SO cathartic.  The cursing, not the toddlers.  They’re great but definitely not cathartic.  At all.

4. Fabulous recipes and lots of foodie type talk.  I LOVE FOOD!  I enjoy cooking for my family and love to entertain at my home.  I can’t wait to share some of my favorite recipes with you!

5.The occasional book review or recommendation. I am a bookworm.  I read mostly fiction these days, but I’m always interested in good books, so if you’ve read something great lately, let me know.  I’d love to hear about it!

So let’s get to it, shall we?  All those belligerent cookie recipes and child-rearing anecdotes aren’t going to write themselves, now are they?