Stuff and Things

In the past week I have:

1. Used my neti pot approximately 7.2 MILLION times.
2. Read a really stupid book.  It was free on Kindle.  You get what you pay for.
3. Read a good book.
4. Used at least four boxes of kleenex.
5. Resolved to plant an entire grove of trees sometime in the near future.  Or at least pay someone to plant them.
6. Checked out Piglet’s BIG Movie from the library.
7. Watched Piglet’s BIG Movie 54 times.
8. Taken out a hit on Piglet.
9. Overheard Max singing the theme song from Piglet’s BIG Movie.
10. Resolved to purchase Piglet’s BIG Movie at any cost as soon as possible.
11. Pretended not to obsess about how I want to decorate the baby’s room if it’s a girl.
12. Done at least 12 loads of laundry.  I even folded it.
13. Put off vacuuming the house.
14. Cooked some pretty random meals; quesadillas and lemon-parmesan roasted broccoli, anyone?
15. Was told by Max, “Um, I’m going to go to my room now.  I need to lay on my bed and think about some things for a while.”
16. Died of cuteness.
17. Found out that “things” is preschooler-speak for “my birthday party”.  He wants cupcakes and 100 red dragons.
18. Was amazed by how busy my littlest baby is.  Bumps and kicks like crazy.  Absofuckinglutely thrilling each and every time.
19. Came across a new favorite word: gefiltefuck.
20. Shook my chubby, pregnant ass to Thrift Shop by Macklemore.
21. Fondly remembered how much hotter my ass-shaking was back when I could drink booze.
22. Pretended not to obsess about our sonogram appointment next week.
23. Bought a cute clutch at Target for $0.50.  Seriously.
24. Spent a lot more than $0.50 on my new favorite eye shadow palette.  You get what you pay for.
25. Bought a daring new lipstick.  It’s called Ballet.  Doesn’t sound intimidating but I had to take about 3 deep, cleansing breaths before I bought it.  It’s awesome.
26. Watched Mason sleep on a mountain of stuffed animals.  Tried to etch the memory of his cute little body into my mind.  One day he’s going to be so big.
27. Ate way more chocolate than normal.  WAY more.  I think all the chocolate is gone now.
28. Drank a few green smoothies.  They were pretty good too.
29. Was irritated that it was sunny and 70 degrees outside in January.  It takes a special talent to pull this off.
30. Made a Chocolate-Whiskey Cake.  Considered drinking the batter.
31. Listened to Max talk about a hundred different things and was floored by how smart he is.  Who taught him all these words?!  When did he get so grown up?
32. Craved Mexican food.
33. Had nachos brought to me from a specific restaurant three days in a row by my wonderful husband.
34. Fell in love with my husband over and over again.  And not just because of the nachos.  Although those didn’t hurt.
35. Wished there were more trees in my yard.  Or town.  Or Texas in general.  Why are there no trees?!  (This has nothing to do with #4)
36. Cried.  Because.
37. Thought some more about keeping my hair long when I’m old and totally grey.  I think I’m going to do it.
38. Kept my nose out of someone else’s business.   It was more difficult than I like to admit.
39. Had a dream involving beautiful beds hanging from trees.  It was gorgeous.  I wish you all could have seen it.  We could have lived there with my long, grey hair and it would have been amazing.
40. Wondered and wondered who on earth is growing inside me right now. I hope we get along really well.
41. Watched my little sister gleefully turn 25 years old.
42. Watched my big sister do everything in her power to avoid even the slightest acknowledgment of her birthday.  But I’m pretty sure that clip I texted to her totally made her day.   Or at least six seconds of it.
43. Had every meal I prepared overseen by a tiny, micromanaging wanna-be chef named Mason.  EVERY.  MEAL.
44. Heard the word “penis” innumerable times.
45. Disposed of a real spider without having a panic attack.
46. Nearly destroyed the master bathroom after spotting a spider in the bathtub.  Turns out that one was fake.  Stupid fake fuckface.
47. Experienced psychological whiplash when my kids took a three-hour nap one day followed by no nap at all the next.  Pretty sure that’s the sole reason Xanex was invented.
48. Cuddled with my beautiful boys and my wonderful husband many, many times.
49. Heard the words, “Hey Mom! You wanna see this fight?!” many, many times.
50. Wondered daily how I got to be so unbelievably lucky in this life.

And Baby Makes Five

I think it’s about time for a completely pointless pregnancy post.  I haven’t really blogged about this pregnancy yet.  I think that’s largely because I’m not entirely sure what to say.  I mean, one on hand I’m pregnant and that sort of thing does take over your life to a certain extent.  No more self medicating relaxing with a bottle of wine at the end of the day.  No more steaming hot baths.  No more eating raw tuna while sky diving.  It’s really a lot of major lifestyle changes all at once.  On the other hand, I’m so busy with my two funny, crazy boys that it’s easy to forget what my body is doing until all of a sudden I’m ready to pass out at 7pm each night and wondering what the heck my problem is.  Oh right…it’s a fetus!   They really are demanding little creatures sometimes.  Allow me to explain in great detail.  Here’s pretty much how the first half of my pregnancy has gone:

Positive Pregnancy Test: YAY!!!!!!  Little Embryo is all sweetness, cuddles and daydreams.  Or so you think.

5 weeks – 10 weeks Pregnant: Oh, you thought you were going to wait 3 hours between meals?  Not unless you’d like to be slapped with a wave of nausea that would bring a burly Viking sailor to his knees.  Also, you’re only allowed to eat stale goldfish crackers while sitting in an easterly wind.  The crackers are fresh?  Dry Heaves!!  The wind is coming from the west?  You’re a moron for even trying to eat.  You think you might want saltines instead?  Too bad, you’re not in charge of your stomach anymore.  Your organs are traitors.  They’ve sold out to the power of the baby.

10 weeks – 14 weeks Pregnant: You can eat!  Food!  Real food!  But only certain food.  Not all food, of course.  The baby is still flexing his/her influential muscle, just to make sure everyone knows whose boss.  You can’t smell, touch, cook or even look at chicken but you will NEED to eat chicken fajitas with tons of guacamole on them immediately or you might die.  They must appear magically right when you want them or the deal is off.  Babies are thugs.

14 weeks – 18 weeks Pregnant: BOOBS.  Holy freaking boobage.  Go to bed at night as a happy C cup.  Wake up in the morning with painful, throbbing D cups.  Do not be fooled.  This is not a gift.  This is a total mind fuck.  Boobs should not be able to grow that fast but they DO.  Seems like a perk right?  Magic boobs!  Awesome!  Except for a few minor details: 1) They hurt like a sonofabitch.  2) Your boobs might look pretty sexy all on their own but perched up there above your is-that-a-baby-or-does-that-bitch-need-to-lay-off-the-bagels bump they just contribute to the overall awkwardness of your current physique.  3) All your bras are rendered useless.  And it hurts to wear them anyway.  So you stay home and wander around sore and braless – which is exactly as great as it sounds.  Especially when you have two and three year-old boys cannon balling themselves into your body throughout the day.  Yeah…Ouch.  Babies are devious.

18 weeks – 19 weeks Pregnant: Questions, Speculation and Clothes that don’t Freaking Fit.  Have we chosen a name for the baby yet?!  Nope!  We don’t have a clue who this baby is let alone what he/she should be called for his/her entire life.  Also, I’m a Taurus and my husband is a Leo.  To say that we both have strong opinions is putting it mildly.  Seriously.  Go put a bull and a lion in the same room and tell me how it goes.  Bottom line, it’s really a good thing that babies need to gestate for so long otherwise we’d be screwed.

Next up is the whole “boy or girl” question.  What’s funny about this one is how everyone has an opinion and NOBODY actually knows.  I can’t tell you how many people have told me the sex of my baby even though that information is yet to be discovered.  My favorite is when people start telling me that “statistically” my baby must be a…whatever.  During my first pregnancy the baby was definitely a girl.  Statistically it had to be a girl because my husband is the only boy in his family so we clearly weren’t going to be having a boy.  Then during my second pregnancy I was statistically guaranteed to have a girl because there was just no way on earth I could have two boys.  Well, two boys later apparently I’m now statistically certain to have another boy. (Are you sick of the word statistically yet?  Do you kind of want to punch me in the face?  Good.  Then I’ve made my point.)  The devilish glee people seem to feel when telling me this is honestly pretty shocking.  They’re so sure I want a girl yet they apparently have no problem dashing those dreams by smirking and saying, “You know it’s going to be a boy, right?”  Actually, no, I don’t.  I don’t know it’s going to be a boy.  I know it’s going to be a baby.  A human baby.  And that’s really all anyone knows at this point.  While I do think it would be fun to have a daughter, in all honesty, I’m a bit nervous about the idea!  I’m so used to life with my boys that the idea of adding a girl to the mix is a little strange.  However I’m sure it’s nothing that decorating a girly nursery and doing some long-awaited baby girl clothes shopping wouldn’t cure.

Finally, the clothing situation. Ugh.  UGH.  I’m still very much in the aforementioned “baby or bagels” phase and I just look…chubby.  It’s pretty depressing and borderline impossible to dress.  My regular clothes still fit, I just look fatter in them.  My maternity clothes are still a little big and maybe this baby IS a girl because suddenly I hate ALL OF THEM and I have NOTHING TO WEAR.  We’ve already seen how this baby can manipulate my opinions on food, maybe opinions on clothing are part of the deal too.  I don’t know.  Babies are crazy and their influence knows no bounds.

As of today we’re two weeks away from finding out the sex of our baby.  (Fingers crossed he/she isn’t shy about showing us the goods on ultrasound.  He/she is more than welcome to be shy about his genitalia afterwards though. In fact that would be ideal.)  We are so excited.  This has been a really great pregnancy so far.  A couple of weeks ago I started feeling the baby move and that is always amazing and reassuring.  Laying down in bed at night, being quiet and still and just waiting for those little bumps and kicks is so fun.  I love how the baby already shows a little spunk by kicking and bumping any time I rest things on my belly.  I deliberately prop my kindle up on my lower belly just to feel those bossy little kicks.  They make my heart happy.

Another thing that makes my heart happy?  This baby’s taste in food.  I told my bff that I think this baby might just be my favorite one yet because he/she has great taste in food – now that I’m allowed to eat.  This baby seems to want either Mexican, Chinese or Thai food at all times.  This works for me.  In a BIG way.  And while we’re on the topic here, can someone please explain to me why there is no tamale delivery service in Texas?  I feel fairly confident that Texans eat just as many tamales as they do pizzas.  We have pizza delivery.  WHERE ARE THE TAMALES?!?!?!